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I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences. Gertrude Stein

26 September 2009

Coup de Grace

coup de grace ("blow of mercy") means
a death blow to end the suffering of a wounded creature.


Act 3, Final Scene


Five.

That's how many drafts I have waiting to post. Revised, edited, rewritten over and over. Every time I go back they become more and more dull and lifeless. My postings, more and more sporadic. It is a sign.

I keep coming back to this place. Beating the horse, "Hey dude, is there life left in you? Are you gonna get up? Are you sure you're dead? Cause I think ya got a few more miles in ya." Ugh. "Don't be dead. Come on!", and then I kick it, because I want it to live.

How many times have I circled this mountain? Once? Twice? Now again?

I feel like such a flake. Do I have no stick-to-it-ive-ness? For once, I'd like to just make a decision and stay with it. But I'm so weak. Y'all say things to me like, "I'm gonna miss you", and "I miss your blog", and "You're so awesome it's stupefying!" Well, not so much that last one but I would totally be okay with it... What I'm saying to you is my co-dependence on your comments disables me.

Plainly, it's your fault.

Oh! But I've been so bored with my own writing lately I want to chew off my own arm and throw it into an abyss of death the next time I see one.

Every time I've done this (quit... not chew off my arm), it has been with good reason. Very good, legitimate reason (like responsible time management), (although the chewing can be easily justified, too) and still I find my way back. Maybe it's like peeling an onion? One layer at a time... God knows that to rip it away all at once would be too grievous for me, His tender little onion blossom.

Dang it though! I'm gonna miss it here... even though I've been so utterly lame lately. So lame it bruises me and crushes my very soul. Every time I look through my old posts, I wonder, what has happened to me? I used to be better at this! Is this God's way of causing me to let it go? This gradual dulling of my mind, my posts increasingly tedious -- increasingly boring.

Unsuitable.

Flat.

Whether or not that's by Design, I can't say, but it does make walking away more easily done, even if only slightly more easily done. Disobedience to this inner leading though could only mean more of the same lame that deteriorates into more and more lame. Who wants to continue that kind of legacy? And besides, my ego can't take that.

I'll tell you what this is about. God is totally gunning for me. He is trying to kill me. It's true. I'm not making that up and it's not a Conspiracy Theory. (See for yourself: Jn 12:24) I never want to sacrifice blogging. This is the thing I hold to with the most tenacity. I WANT TO KEEP THIS THING!

I can't say for certain why I feel God leading me here. I can't articulate the reason except to say I feel it has something to do with death to self, and also faithfulness to follow through with what I hear God saying to me in this moment, whether I "get it" or not. (See Rom 12:1-2)

I'm trying to think of some spiritually awesome analogy for y'all, to paint you a beautiful word picture, but all my brain will give me is this:

My acorn of a blog is entering the Fall
and then after that, the Winter,
where it will go down, down, down into the dark soil,
buried for a little while in the quiet darkness,
seen only by God and the worms.
There, God will do things to it and maybe one day
it will grow into a beautiful oak tree (down) by the river.

I'll wait while you get your tissues 'cause that was moving, right there. I just know it blessed your heart.

I hope that while I'm gone, y'all don't write anything awesome. If you do, email me the link okay, because I don't want to be the last to know. That would be like the Three Amigos... when one (that would be me) goes off to the bathroom and the others (the rest of you) have a secret meeting without him (me).

(If you're liking that little bit of genius Three Amigos prose right there, well, watch The Office more often and you can hear gems like that from Michael Scott, the little buttercup himself; and then you can gank them from him like I did just there.)

So I guess this is my swan song, my coup de grace, until God releases me and I can write something that isn't loathsome trash. Hopefully that release will come relatively soon. Meantime, y'all promise to miss me okay?, and email me some time. I like the social aspect of the internet very much. Y'all are my friends, and I miss you already. (PS -- You don't have to say you're proud of me. Just pray for me, because this is really hard.)

(heavy sigh)

Exit Stage Left

Curtains

14 people love me:

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Jodie, I don't even know what to say! I understand though...if God is leading you, then it's pretty pointless to fight it, right? But girl! I really will miss you. Your awesomeness truly is stupefying - and I'm not just saying that.

Keep in touch - I will email you to check on you from time to time. And you don't have to worry about me writing anything awesome on my blog, since mine has been cold and silent for a while now. :) Love you!

Oh...are you going to leave your blog here? Or take it down altogether?

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Hey lady - I do understand and yet will certainly miss you! You always make me smile. Or laugh. Or cry. Or go, "I have to look that word up!"

I'll email you when Malachi is born so you can see pictures on my blog. :)

Tante D's better half said...

probably just a season, Sistah! don't mourn to hard. I believe you will rise again! I'm just glad you live right down the street and I don't have to miss you too much. I'm so blessed! love ya!

Rachel @ Future Pastor's Wife said...

Well first I lost you on FB and now here.

But you know what? There's going to be some amazing blessings down the road thanks to your obedience.

Please keep in touch via email. I still say we get together in BR one day for a playdate for the girls. :)

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

Well I hate to be the one to tell you this, but this post made me laugh out loud...like 6 times. I wouldn't call that FLAT.

But I do "get it" I have to say. The most miserable person in the world is a child of God...disobeying GOD.

However, do you think I could be one of those worms? I'm not too proud.
:-)
You have my email...keep in touch with me PLEASE!!! You're my closest Cajun friend. <3

beautiful disaster said...

Jodie, I can tell from your post that God has other plans for you right now. He's also given you this awesome gift of gab (ahem, I mean writing) and I can't imagine that he'd want to keep you from it forever ... when it's time He'll inspire you to get back to it!

Lyn said...

i followed you here coz i lost u on fb but i guess you wont be here either...either way, i'll check on you from time to time...i do enjoy reading you..

oh, and in case you didn't see this on fb: happy birthday - well it's belated now...but all the same...

bren j. said...

Personally, I find five minutes reading your blog much more edifying than watching Michael Scott make an ass of himself....so....there's that.....and of course we'll miss you. So between no blogging and no Facebook.......*sigh*

Mike said...

Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas

Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com
Twitter: AboutParenting
Photo ideas? 100 Portrait Ideas

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Come back lady. I miss you.

myletterstoemily said...

dang! whenever i find a blog i love
that feels like me, i see that they
aren't posting anymore.

oh well, i willstill check back in case
you do...

blessings,
lea

myletterstoemily said...

are you about all rested up?

have any ideas spinning around
in that pretty head?

feeling the need to vent?

sure would like you to...

blessings,
lea