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I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences. Gertrude Stein

08 September 2009

Funny is funny because it is TRUE.

I just got this email from one of my favorite friends ever, Melissa. I'm telling you like I told her, I needed this laugh today, lest I run away from home.

It's been a beautiful day. (Now's when that sarcasm font would be handy-dandy.)

Like I said, this was an email, so you know, completely plagiarized.

(I should know because one day, I "plagiarized" one of my parents' signatures on a Disciplinary Action Report, and then I had to write the Webster's full definition of plagiarism pert-near a thousand times.)(I still hate my parents for that one.)

(The actual amount is a bit cloudy, but I still have a pencil groove in my ring finger on my right hand to prove it was a whole HECK of A-Bunch.)

(There went my hand modeling career, like a fart in the wind.)

Anyway, I hate to put off the laughs, so let's move along, shall we?

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?

-It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatso before dinner.

Laughing must really be good for you, because I just laughed a bunch and now, I'm slightly less twitchy and a little more certain that everything is gonna be OH-KIZ-AY.

6 people love me:

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

I just do not "for real laugh" at much that I read on the internet. -But I really, really did this morning. :) I could just relate with so much of this. :) I freak out when I am the one with the remote in my hand...

Thanks for this. Here's hoping that your doing quite OH-KIZ-AY at the moment.

Tante D's better half said...

Jodie, I enjoyed this tremendously. I thought I was the only one who hated when a video pops up instead of a text to read a news story. I don't have time to watch a video. I just want to skim the story to see if it's actually worth reading. takes about 5 seconds instead of 3:22 minutes.

Anonymous said...

My brother in law just sent these to me the other day and I laughed so hard I almost peed. These are great. I love the one about book smarts.

Anonymous said...

That was some good laughin. And so true.
1.I may one day cause nerve damage to my fingers with all the grocery bags.
2. I know someone who can fold a fitted sheet. I've seen it done, but I know deep within me that I will never be able to duplicate it.
3. I have often wished to know cause of death. Obits are so dry.
This was such a pleasant reading experience. Thank you for plagiarising.

Anonymous said...

also, i think ninjas are too fast. it's not possible to run one over.

myletterstoemily said...

i laughed out loud, too.

especially the ice breaker. . .
so true!!!