Finding my voice

When I first started blogging, I did not think this was gonna be a problem. (And on serious posts, it's not.)

But sometimes on humorous posts I have a hard time deciphering the voices in my head. Because funny quotes and things tend to stick with me. Comedy is my favorite. I love making other people laugh. But see? I'm on a quest for the BEST POST EVER. My mind wants to grab ahold of the funniest thought floating in my brain and use that - even if it's not original. But then I feel like I am essentially bland because the funniest things I think aren't even my thoughts. They're things I've picked up along the way. From books, movies, TV, etc. I don't want to be a copy cat. I'd like to be different, just like everybody else.

There are so many people blogging. So. so. many. I don't want to be boring. When I first started I assumed no one was reading it, because no one even knew about it. And then I started getting comments. I got hooked on Comment Crack. The more I got, the more I wanted. I'd like to say that's different now. That I've matured. I haven't. It's the same as it ever was. But now I have this added pressure to keep them coming, and to get new ones. Because what kind of loser blogger only gets like 4 comments.

I like writing funny posts. Funny draws a crowd. People like funny people. I like being liked. It's a good partnership, no? Secretly though, I would like for all people everywhere to think that I am funnyandwittyandclever and SO VERY AWESOME and perhaps wish to be my bosom buddy because of my AWESOMENESS. I would like to have several, several comments on each and every post to reaffirm my high level of awesomeness.

Instead, I have an average of 4 or 5 per post. Which I don't think is entirely bad. It's probably very good for me.

Because it's humbling.

I considered not posting this. I feel really, really exposed. I thought about just working it out in the confines safety of my own head, between me and myself where no one would know my weakness. No one would see me struggle. I'm not a fan of public struggle. I would prefer to hibernate or be vaporized until the struggle is over and I am free from whatever thing was binding me. And then I could be reconstituted, or whatever the opposite of vaporized is, into this whole, free person that everyone could look at as exemplary greatness.

I know that it is profitable to struggle openly, to some degree. I understand the benefits. Yet I still am not a fan.

My issues have names that are obvious by now, right? Their names are Pride and Fear of Rejection.

So why post it? I suppose part of my reasoning is in the interest of full disclosure. For the sake of honesty. Partly, also, because it was on my brain. And the things that linger on my brain tend to make it here.

And then maybe there are other people who deal with this, too.

Or maybe I just need the humility.

(And now I will be checking my email all day long to see what you have to say about this. See what I mean?)