I struggle so much with what nature of things I should post. Have I had too many serious ones in a row? Am I due for a funny one? Or is it all supposed to be funny and never "heavy"? The why is that I'm paranoid of what other people think of me. I have this great fear that my blog will be lame. I feel this undercurrent to make it always light and fluffy so that it'll be more acceptable and on everyone's "must read/great blogging goodness" list, but that just doesn't feel authentic. I don't want to misrepresent my life, which is certainly not light or fluffy just now, unless you count the back fat I've accumulated over the past 5 or 6 years. That's pretty fluffy. Or just fat. Whatever. I'm workin' on it.
So anyway, this fear has kept me from posting much of anything over the past few weeks because I've been so busy just dissecting my life. I've had my face in my hands a good bit lately, feel exacerbated, and at times, deserted.
Spiritually speaking, I realize that my greatest weakness, the thing that is most crippling to me, is my fear of disappointment. Hope, ironically, fills me with dread. I'm so afraid that more disappointment will drive me away from what I want the most, and that is to be a friend of God. And the worst part may be that continued disappointment probably wouldn't drive me out of church, it might just make me resistent to God. I never want to harden my heart to Jesus, but I have such immature faith. And I'm ashamed of that. I've been a Christian for almost 8 years. Eight years. And still I feel so insecure in my faith. And so unsafe talking about that. It's easier to tell the world though, than people you know. More fear. (Yeah. Try not to be jealous. I know my life is very glamorous. I wouldn't want to make anyone stumble with hearts full of covetousness.)
So, I'm learning things about myself that I would rather keep hidden. Specifically things that expose a weakness in me. See, I'd much prefer to talk about things I went through, than admit to things I'm going through. As in now. Today. I like the benefit of hindsight. It makes me look experienced, and educated. You know, whole. Then I can tell you with great wisdom what it was like coming out on the other side, instead of standing smack in the middle, feeling so broken, and without a clue how to truly find my way out... which is generally how I feel on my way through anything. Only I don't like to admit that.
I would so much rather not expect anything from God, to just expect to handle things by myself, than to hope for His help, His voice when I need help, and to receive nothing. It's crushing. And I wonder... is it me? Is it just my inability to hear? Well then, Lord, give me ears to hear! ... That's the cry of my heart, and still I feel like I'm met with mostly silence. And it makes me angry. No, angry isn't strong enough. It really makes me hate God. I know that's not a very "churchy" thing to say, but the Bible says that a man cannot serve two masters. He either loves the first and hates the second, or he loves the second and hates the first. There's no middle ground there. So either my heart is turned towards heaven, full of love for the things of God, and so completely drawn in by Him - or I spurn Him.
That's why I'm so afraid of my own disappointment. I cannot stand to think that God is not good, that He is not for me. And I'm not at a place spiritually where I am mature enough to handle disappointment without feeling like I've been kicked in the gut. I know it's shallow. I know it's immature. I understand that it's childish faith. So like my children, I don't have what I think I desparately need or at least sort of deserve because life should be fun, and I throw temper tantrums. And mine are no cuter and endearing than theirs.
But then, I go back to this: God loves mercy. God is so much more gracious than I am. And God knew what I was when He first won my heart almost 8 years ago. Nothing about me surprises Him. There will never be a moment of truth, an aha moment, when God finally realizes what He got when He got me. He'll never be disappointed with the deal He made for my soul. (Hopefully, and totally by the working of a miracle, I'll never shame Him.)
So there. I said it.
And the truth shall set me free. He said that too. :)