I May Benefit From Some Counseling

So I've noticed only a few of you have come to my new casa and are following me there.  Come on, it's nice there.  It smells good.

You know pretty soon, I'm gonna start thinking it's 'cause you hate me.

It's not 'cause you hate me, is it?

Come on, don't leave.  I'll do better.  I promise I'll change.  Give me another chance!  This time it's gonna be different. You'll see.

In most cases that's a pack of lies, but not this time.  Pinky swear.  So come, follow me.

Desperately Seeking Social Affections (and maybe some cheap therapy),
xo, Jodie

Denouement and The Alpha

As it concerns this blog, I've done some thinking and I've decided on some things. 

-1- The name feels long and exhausting to me.  I want something short.  One word.  So I'm pulling an Adele August.  Who knows?  Maybe before long I'll get a really good deal on a sweet, gold Bimmer and all of my problems will be solved by going for ice cream.

It could happen.

sidenote:

[I always thought it was Beamer, 

but I was wrong. I got taken to school.]

- 2 - This is my last post here.  I'll be spending the week sprucing up my new crash pad, and that's where I will be hereafter.  There's alot I like about this place and at first I was hesitant to start over, but I think that a fresh start is what's best for me now.

- 3 - I'm starting a new feature over yonder.  Calling it The Sunday Six... where every Sunday, I list 6 things I love (complete with links, in case you fall in love too and must have these things for your own self!) I know you just can't wait so guess what?! Today being Sunday...

I won't make you! 

May I now introduce to you,

The Sunday Six: The Alpha. 

[and the crowd goes willlllldddd!]

one, two, three and four
[tell me that you love me more]

This outfit: a perfect marriage of cuteness and comfort.
I'd prefer a red print cardigan.  Only I couldn't find one I really loved. So the gray one is a good stand-in.  I like it alawt.

cardigan

 top

 jeans

 shoes

five
Because that outfit was begging me for something red:
I give you this little pretty.

six

This boy, whose birthday is today. 

Happy Birthday you precious boy!

I love you more than a thousand baby bunnies.

And that's all she wrote!
See you all at my new casa, lovelies! xo, Jodie

My New Favorite Condiment

I was born a mayonnaise girl.

sidenote: 

[Any time I say 'I was born...',

I think of The Jerk, and Steve Martin saying,

"I was born a poor, black man."]

No burger or sandwich-type-thing is even worth the trouble without it in my estimation.  Wellllll, I recently decided to go vegan.  Regular mayo is a no-no on the vegan train, so what was I to do?   Would I really have to be without my beloved? Nobody likes a sad ending.

I didn't have high hopes of finding a replacement as I've tried other types of NON-mayo before and unless you like yours to look and taste like watery, soupy white filth, well then.  Insufferable.

Until.

Enter Vegenaise!  [cue super-hero noise] I don't know quite how to pronounce it but who cares!  It makes me happy!

It also makes me want to eat cucumber sandwiches all day long! 

I'm not sure why I'm telling y'all this except that it is great news and great news must be spread.

Much the same as Vegenaise.  [du du doosh]

The End and Amen.

A mother sees mischief. A grandmother, genius.

There are lots of words I could use to describe my third child to you. I could give you a lengthy list of adjectives: boring to read, but the antithesis of boring to live with.

Instead, I give you this:

Once upon a time, a small boy, only two, 
wanted to do something really badly,
as small boys of two are apt to do,
but his mother disallowed it.  
Undeterred, the small boy 
went into the kitchen 
and spilled a cup of juice.
As his mother knelt to clean it, 
he smiled and ran off 
to the very thing she had made 
unmistakably clear he could not do.

His grandmother's love this story.

Fakebook Update : A Tall Order

My status:

Jodie needs a good red lipstick, please?  Taking suggestions.  I know you're all beauty mavens, so help a sista out. 

Also, it would help if you were brunette with blue eyes and an olive complexion.

Also also, let it not be $20 lest I go without glamour forever.

Amen.

A Medley of Announcements

When I see the word medley

I think of cafeteria food.

If this post that I'm offering up today were a school lunch,

this is what would be on the MENU 
[which I used to think was pronounced me-new... 
being a WordGirl is something 
that has developed over time]. 

Salsbury Steak

The flava has returned to my mouth!  Ha-lay-lou-juh. [pronounced with a J sound, not a Y, cause it's funner to say that way.] [No, funner is not a word, but funner is funner to say than more fun.]

Mashed Potatoes & Gravy

My foot is still bothering me.  It hurts across the top, where all the lil' bones are.  I find that it feels better when I tippy toe than when I'm flat footed.  What does that mean, do ya think?

Dinner Roll

I've been listening to 100 Portraits again for the first time in years.  About 9 of them.  Years, that is.  It is so good that I rarely want to hear anything else.  Do you get fixated on music that way, too?  I am fixated, except for right this instant, because I'm listening to Pandora and they do not have a 100 Portraits station.  What is this world coming to is what I have to say about that.

Vegetable Medley

(corn, peas and green beans)

For a long time when I'd ask if he wanted to potty on the big potty Puddin' would say, "No, I tiny baby." He is now starting to use the potty and is pretty proud of himself.  [Part of the excitement is getting to "thlush" when he's all done.] 

Also, how can the summer be enjoyed when it's too hot to even walk outside?  Right now it's breezy out there which amounts to this: It was already hot as HECK, but then someone went and turned on a fan heater.  Sitting out there makes you wish you had an internal sprinkler system installed.

Lastly,
I just heard this line: 

Oh LORD, God of our fathers
this day let it be known
That you Lord, are God of the present tense.

I love that.

That's it for today.

I hope you enjoyed your meal.
Come Again!

Fakebook Update

There is no joy to be found 

in eating when you can't taste anything.   

What will bring back my ability to taste?  

Benadryl?   

Zyrtec?  

Nope.  

Neither.  

Got any suggestions?  

I'm eating at P.F. Chang's tomorrow 

and it would be enormously sad 

if I couldn't taste my lettuce wraps.

How do I fix this problem STAT?

Fakebook

Hello, Lovelies!  Today I want to talk about Facebook, and how I really miss Facebook sometimes.  Like really really.  Occasionally I just feel like I want to post a status update, so what I've decided I'll do is to just post them here as I feel the itch.

Like now, for instance.

And from now on, I'll just be calling these my Fakebook Status Updates.  Here goes.

Title: A Desperate Situation

(Oh yeah, and I might post Titles to my Updates 

((like the title of a poem)), 

especially when I'm feeling extra fancy.)

PETA PETA Punkin' Eata 
is so concerned about the conditions of the wildlife in the Gulf 
because the situation is so unfortunate.  

They should see the fish at Wal-Mart.   

Feel free to Like and Comment at will. 

Thanking you in advance.

Changing the Face of the Barnyard, Pixar is.

There are myriad reasons why Puddin' could have easily been nicknamed The Cuteness.

myriad (mr-d): 
Constituting a very large, indefinite number; innumerable

Let me exampilate:

Puddin': Mama, duck shay? 

Mama: Quack Quack

Puddin': Uhhhhh,  cow shay?

Mama: Moooooooo!

Puddin': Horse shay?

Mama: (I can't spell that one 

but you just gon' hafta believe me, 

I do a pretty good horse sound.)  

Oh!  I have one!  What does a donkey say?

Puddin': Get out o' me swamp!

Cat-Like Reflexes, I Have Not -and- It Can Always Be Worse

I went to church this morning to drop the kids off at day camp.  To get to our final destination-o-fun though, we had to complete a maze. 

From this room up those stairs into that room then the next room then down those stairs on through the next room into this pitch black backstage alleyway, and finally onto the main stage.   Getting my bearings straight and my eyes readjusted to the lighting, I stepped down onto the steps leading down to the main floor and ---  That wasn't the steps!!! 

o
h

c
r
a
p

is what I said!

I twisted my ankle and brush-burned my knee. 

From a medical standpoint, 

I think it's either bruised or sprained or both,

whichever one garners me the most sympathy.  

The auditorium was packed to the brim with people: grown folk and chi'ren folk.  Thankfully the Children's Pastor came out just then and started amping the kids up about camp, causing a welcome distraction from the lady on the floor.  Truly though, I was in so much pain I had little room left for embarrassment.

People rushed to my aid and gave me ibuprofen and ice, then I went off and licked my wounds.

The only thing that could've made things worse is if I'd been wearing a skirt (because that did cross my mind as an outfit possibility this morning).  That and if I'd knocked out some teeth.

Half-naked fashion + toothless.

Like a redneck family reunion.  Yeah, that's definitely worse.

The Night I Made It to the Big Time

So last night I was at Barnes & Noble but I wasn't buying a new journal as you might suspect, which is what normally brings me there.  I was building my fame.

By the way,
Why do people have so much trouble 

pronouncing Barnes & Noble?  

Barnes & Nobles?  Barne & Noble?  

People are all confused about the crooked letter.

Throws 'em off.  In the 

mispronunciation department, 

it's up there with Wal-Mart.  Think about it.

I was invited to a New Authors Book Signing Night-O-Fame Celebratory Convention  (key words: book signing and fame) and I think it is an understood thing in all cultures that when Barnes and Noble calls, you go! There were 8 authors invited altogether.  One of the local news channels (Channel 3/KATC - for all my local yocals - whatup Marcelle Fontenot?!  Call me!  Actually, don't call me.  You'll just make me nervous.) came out to cover it and I had a cameo appearance on the 10 o'clock news last night!  It's like I'm famous now.

I was the one over the shoulder of the guy they were interviewing...but clearly it was ME they were showcasing.  He was just a decoy.

Obviously.

I only sold (1), BUT I had a good time and also, I felt pretty 'cause I had gotten all gussied up and I smelled really good, so all was not lost.  (When somebody smells the perfume or cologne, we like to say they "smell the ha-na-na".)

Plus, I was on the news and I was invited to a book signing AT BARNES & NOBLE!  And I was on the news.

So I think that means I made it to the Big Time.

Public Service Announcement: 

To order my book online, and thereby increase my growing fame (yes please!), click here or here, please and thank you!  Exclamation point!

And now I know what herpetology means.

We recently acquired a pet, and by "we" I mean "they".  But mostly him... my sweet 7 year old who loves reptiles (and who is also losing teeth faster than I can count.  Makes me squeamish at all the wigglyness and also swoonish at all the cuteness).

Anyway, a green anole [uh-noh-lee] is what we got (although it is sometimes brown, so I don't know why it's called "green").  Until I consulted Mr. The Google, I just thought it's proper name was yard lizard.  Because that's where I caught it.  In the yard.

It lives outside in the wild.  Well, outside in an aquarium-like "reptilian habitat" filled with  black and white rocks and also plastic plants, so it's like the wild... only with less danger.  And more plastic leaves.

So, paradise, basically.

Here's the thing though.  It won't let us watch it eat.  What do you think of that?  We pour in crickets, we wait.  Nothing.  Here's how I imagined it though.  Lizard + Crickets = instant Animal Planet Hunting Showdown Extravaganza.  A veritable feeding frenzy!

So far though, the young lad (lass?) ain't down with that.  It likes to eat alone, all private like, which is okay because I can respect a thing's privacy, but I only wish it weren't so shy.  I like to observe the science.  Like shedding, and devouring crickets.  *eyebrow raise*  Yummy.

The Lunatic Squirrel Meets Jesus

I never leave home without a notebook.  Just in case.  I have hundreds upon hundreds of links bookmarked on my computer so that I have them if I should ever need them.  I do occasionally go back and use those ideas but the ones that I don't are legion.  Yet I keep collecting.  The fear of needing them nips at my heels.    

Don't stop or it's going to get you.

Like a [deranged] squirrel, I gather.  I'm a constant gatherer.  If life were a big tabletop, I'd lean over as far as I could, spread my arms out wide and sweep as much information as I could grasp, pulling it into my belly, heaping it upon my feet.

And then I'd secretly panic
about what was left on the table, 

because what if those things
were the ones I'd really need later on?
It's better to have and not need than need and not have,
the voice reminds me.

Is it though?

In my zeal, I gather gather gather
(MUSTN'T. 

STOP. 

GATHERING.) 

leaving little time for application, little time to enhance the lives around me.  How can you stop and apply it when there is more information to be had?  What if you miss something important?  Then what'll happen to you?  Adding to the trouble is that my mind seems to work like a sieve, retaining way less than I can be comfortable with.  The stress works against me.  The more I depend on myself to not be forgetful, the more forgetful I become. 

What is left only makes me panicky about what has left.  

How does one relax in such a state?  How does one "loosen up" so as not to fret so much about getting more? About getting enough? About getting the right things?  And also, what's driving this madness?

FEAR.  It's a she-witch.

She whispers lies.

You're in charge of making sure you get it.

You better get it right the first time.

Your mistakes will ruin you... will ruin them.

But not Jesus. 

My sure hand is beneath you, just as surely as it is beneath your children.

Don't worry.  I know what you need before you even ask.

Take my hand, and I will guide you into all the truth there is.
Great grace is covering you. 
Peace, be still.

His sweet words are like a hug, making me free to breathe again, to ease up a bit and to believe the truth that He's working day and night making me into what I ought to be. It's not up to me to find and implement the exact equation of information to ensure that I am who and where I need to be... All I have to do is to believe the love, because I'm already accepted in the beloved.  I don't have to fix myself.  And that's exactly the thing the heart of this lunatic squirrel needs to be storing away.

meanwhile + a guessification and also some announcements

This song is sort of what's keeping me away for so long.

If I were to prognosticate, (which I am), I'd say I'll be back somewhere in the space of the next 8 to 10 weeks or so.  Just speculation though; a feeling in the bones.  (Which may or may not mean anything.)

Oh, and a few announcements:

 + I'm no longer on Facebook.  I deactivated this week... I've felt for a long while now that I needed to lay that down but tried other methods instead, like cutting back, because I can quit anytime I want, gosh!  Except that I couldn't, in fact, and kept being sucked back in within a matter of days, so I decided to drop it like it's hot.  In ya face, Facebook!

 + The other thing is this: 

A while back I changed Post a Comment to People Love Me and I've come to regret that word choice - only now I've gone and disremembered how I did it so I have no way of going back and undoing it.  

My search, thus far, has been feckless so maybe I will one day be so fortunate as to find how I got myself into this pickle in the first place and correctify my actions.  

Anyyyray...

Everything rides on hope now.