I woke up this morning and felt gently compelled to read My Utmost for His Highest, so I read the reading for today, and then I looked over to the opposite page at yesterday's reading and saw this verse at the top . It gripped me and I immediately saw myself. How many times have I said, aloud or in my heart, but I trusted... So I read on, and this is what it said---
(Things that are in bold or italics are my own added emphasis)
But we trusted... and beside all this, today is the third day... Luke 24:21
"Every fact that the disciples states was right, but the inferences they drew from those facts were wrong. Anything that savours of dejection spiritually is always wrong. If depression and oppression visit me, I am to blame; God is not, nor is anyone else. Dejection springs from one of two sources -- I have either satisfied a lust or I have not. Lust means --I must have it at once. (Wow! That's revelation!) Spiritual lust makes me demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Who gives the answer. What have I been trusting God would do? And today -- the immediate present - is the third day, and He has not done it; therefore I imagine I am justified in being dejected and in blaming God. Whenever the insistence is on the point that God answers prayer, we are off the track. The meaning of prayer is that we get hold of God, not of the answer. It is impossible to be well physically and to be dejected. Dejection is a sign of sickness, and the same thing is true spiritually. (Ouch) Dejection spiritually is wrong, and we are always to blame for it.
We look for visions from heaven, for earthquakes and thunders of God's power (the fact that we are dejected proves that we do), and we never dream that all the time God is in the commonplace things and people around us. If we will do the duty that lies nearest, we shall see Him. One of the most amazing revelations of God comes when we learn that it is in the commonplace things that the Deity of Jesus Christ is realized."
I've recognized for a while (since I read Inside Out, aka The Best Book Ever Written) that I have a demanding spirit towards God. I needed to read this today because dejection has been such a part of my daily spiritual life, and has held me back from God, in a misguided effort at self-protection, and threatened to keep me in bondage. I'm shaking right now as I type this because I get it. God's not to blame. I am. And I can live with that, because it doesn't feel unfair. And that's fixable. It's no longer me vs. God. God has righted my thoughts, and He is now back on my side.
And the fact that I read this now, even though it was yesterday's reading, is my love letter from God today.
I love it when He freaks me out like this! :)