What I'm saying over and over to my children is not getting through and so I say it louder and louder, until they cry, and it's my turn to apologize.
There's a silent angry river that runs through me. It yells and occasionally cusses and then runs and hides, somewhere deep because it's afraid of itself.
My dairy-allergic son eats M&Ms from the trash can. M&Ms that were dug up from under a 2-day old wet Pull-Up. Disgusting and Dangerous. Red splotches show up a few minutes later on his face and I give him a full tsp of Benadryl and secretly wish I was better than I am.
I just wanna go to bed.
I've had enough today.
I want to sleep until I'm better.
Earlier in the day, I'm making an impromptu felt dinosaur upon Sweet Pickle's request and he wants to watch me stitch it. I say okay. He watches me stick the needle into a fold in my jeans and says, "Mooommm, you put a hole in your jeaaannnnsss". "Don't touch it", I say. He reaches over to touch it and jabs me twice with the needle. I yell at him, my small 5 year old, something like, "What are you doing?! I just said don't touch it! How did that get lost in translation and you now think it's okay to touch it?! You stuck me with the needle twice!!" His face deteriorates and he starts to cry.
What good is an apology when I lose it so many times in a day.
I keep breaking stuff that I can't fix.
Every time I yell I think I send a loud message to my children: Why can't you get it right? And yet I feel powerless to stop. I feel like nothing else I'm doing is getting results. I feel overtaken by this ugly thing. This ugly thing that produces results that I don't want.
I think I understand to some degree the women who've said their children would be better off with someone else.
I hate this thing. And I hate that it's taking so long to change. I want my heart to embrace my roles now. It's a bitter pill to swallow. To see myself. To really see myself and that there is no good thing in me.
It's a crappy place to be.
Actually, on spiritual terms, it's probably a great place to be.
But it feels like crap.
Perhaps tomorrow will be more cheery. I hope so. For my family's sake. But today, something is under my skin and I feel discontent and bitchy.
I know it won't last. I know I'll get to a better place soon. Today's quote is suitable though, don't you think?
“He became what we are that he might make us what he is.”
Haste the day.