It's been a beautiful day. (Now's when that sarcasm font would be handy-dandy.)
Like I said, this was an email, so you know, completely plagiarized.
(I should know because one day, I "plagiarized" one of my parents' signatures on a Disciplinary Action Report, and then I had to write the Webster's full definition of plagiarism pert-near a thousand times.)(I still hate my parents for that one.)
(The actual amount is a bit cloudy, but I still have a pencil groove in my ring finger on my right hand to prove it was a whole HECK of A-Bunch.)
(There went my hand modeling career, like a fart in the wind.)
Anyway, I hate to put off the laughs, so let's move along, shall we?
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
-It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatso before dinner.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
-It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatso before dinner.
Laughing must really be good for you, because I just laughed a bunch and now, I'm slightly less twitchy and a little more certain that everything is gonna be OH-KIZ-AY.
6 people love me:
I just do not "for real laugh" at much that I read on the internet. -But I really, really did this morning. :) I could just relate with so much of this. :) I freak out when I am the one with the remote in my hand...
Thanks for this. Here's hoping that your doing quite OH-KIZ-AY at the moment.
Jodie, I enjoyed this tremendously. I thought I was the only one who hated when a video pops up instead of a text to read a news story. I don't have time to watch a video. I just want to skim the story to see if it's actually worth reading. takes about 5 seconds instead of 3:22 minutes.
My brother in law just sent these to me the other day and I laughed so hard I almost peed. These are great. I love the one about book smarts.
That was some good laughin. And so true.
1.I may one day cause nerve damage to my fingers with all the grocery bags.
2. I know someone who can fold a fitted sheet. I've seen it done, but I know deep within me that I will never be able to duplicate it.
3. I have often wished to know cause of death. Obits are so dry.
This was such a pleasant reading experience. Thank you for plagiarising.
also, i think ninjas are too fast. it's not possible to run one over.
i laughed out loud, too.
especially the ice breaker. . .
so true!!!
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